Years That Ask Questions
Zora Neale Hurston once said, “there are years that ask questions, and years that answer.”
2016 Raena was about 30 seconds away from a Britney Spears meltdown. She thought if she had a house in the right neighborhood, her dream job, and exclusively breastfed for a year that she would “have it all.” Bless her heart.
So she sped past the signs of postpartum depression and/or anxiety, went full steam ahead on purchasing a house in her dream neighborhood, and spent four hours interviewing for her dream job while her breasts filled up with milk. She was too afraid that she wouldn't receive an offer if they found out she was a new mom.
Most of those dreams quickly turned into nightmares. Turns out old houses, no matter how beautifully renovated, have problems. The dream job turned into a nightmare on day one (a post for another day.) And to add insult to injury, it turns out postpartum mood disorders don’t just go away!
Little by little, she quit that preconceived definition of having it all. She found a therapist, who asked her if she even liked her job. That question gave her the freedom to say f**k it. So she quit and failed for the first time. She was tired of 60+ hour work weeks never being good enough. She was exhausted from anxiety fueled sleepless nights. She was tired of offering thanks to compliments on her lost baby weight when she wanted so badly to tell them that her anxiety wouldn’t let her keep food down. She surrendered to supplementing with formula because she couldn’t measure her self worth in milk storage bags anymore. She allowed her house to always need work. She accepted that this pieced together version of having it all wasn’t working.
She spent the next four years redefining having it all. She deleted the shoulds, trajectories and timelines and started from scratch. In the blank space she learned that having it all was showing up first for herself, and then everyone else. She learned that titles and promotions are just titles and promotions, they don't make her. She learned that fed is best. She learned that having it all is letting go and accepting and honoring the ebbs and flows.
The 2016 Raena laid the foundation for 2020 Raena to finally answer some open ended questions.
What’s the deal with my mental health? I am a person who lives with anxiety and depression (and sometimes both at the same damn time.) Medication is a tool, and so are exercise, therapy, and sunshine.
Who are you if not your career? A person whose self worth is not tied to her career trajectory. I got in bed with the notion that my self worth and my career are not entangled, and decided to stay awhile.
Who are you if your marriage looks like it might not make it? A potential single mom whose worth is inherent no matter her marital status.
What questions are your asking/answering this year?